Wisdom from Forward Spam

Ever since email hit the tipping point of popular use, the "forward" button has been E=mc^2. Ease of use has imbued those tiny pixels with both the constructive power of valuable information-sharing and the destructive A-bombs of inbox clutter that are Forward Spam.

Forward Spam, n. : those emails forwarded from well-meaning (or just thoughtless) family, friends, and colleagues which have clearly gone around the block a couple dozen times. They are always unsolicited and apparently really piss some people off. Over the years, though, I'd say they've tapered off in quantity and are less outright stupidly false. Occasionally they're funny or interesting now, although still often wildly and willfully inaccurate, which is why I wish Snopes would invent an email filter that diverts all inaccurate Forward Spams to trash while emailing the sender a sternly-worded lecture on the value of old-fashioned internets research.

But I digress.

Guys, the rest of this may not apply to you. So skip to the bottom, then go have a beer and catch up on SportsCenter.

Love me, but apparently not my epilepsy.

Girls, we all have someone in our lives who sends us Chick Forward Spam.  You know what I'm talking about: those colorful, extra-large-fonted (for the grandmas), over-GIF'fed pieces of cheesy saccharine fluff that may tempt you to smile, right before you deactivate your email address forever.

Typical Chick Forward Spam topics include the value of family/friends/women, issue awareness (e.g., breast cancer), or "wise" or mildly amusing life advice such as "you cannot make someone love you, all you can do it stalk them and hope they panic and give in." And you get these emails over. And over. And over again.

Because I can.

Sample subject lines:

• Fw: Women are angels
• Fw: ALL OF US CAN GET A SMILE FROM THIS ONE
• Fw: Circle of Sisters
• Fw: Let's see if you reply...

The ones that turn me off the most usually ask you to make a wish, and then start or end with some variation of: "Send this to a thousand of you're [sic] closest wymyn friends, and you're [sic] deepest wish will come true in four days. I am not joking!!!!!!!!!!!"

Amusingly, these often feature "friend price points" with increasing rewards the more friends you annoy bless with your forward. To wit:

"Send this within one hour to
1-4 friends and you'll get a raise
5-10 friends and you'll be healthy for the next 10 years
11-20 friends and you'll win the lottery
21+ friends and you'll achieve immortality!!!!
If you delete this, you'll have 50 years of bad luck!!!!"

The Money Fairy will make you rich!!! But only if you forward this to everyone you've ever met in the next 10 seconds!!!!!
Do it do it do it!!!!!!

Or some such. Technically, I guess this part is about chain letters, but I've already christened it Forward Spam, and it's too late to turn the car around.

The point is, after 15 years of emailing, I basically ignore them.

And ladies, I'd bet dollars to doughnuts you still have a mom, or an aunt, or a grandma, or a cousin, whatever, who sends these, and you mostly ignore them too. Or maybe it's you sending them. And that's okay. They're harmless and well-intended and I really do appreciate being "considered one of the 10 prettiest ladies with a kind, warm and loving heart." (But I mean, prettiest of how many, 10? 10,000? What's the pool? Who's doing the judging? Is there a bathing suit competition, because I'm totally not bikini-ready!! Dammit, I need to know these things! Stop raising more questions than you answer! Do you see now why I don't read these?!?!)

All this said.... today I was pleasantly surprised to receive a Forward Spam that not only jives perfectly with the philosophy I strive to espouse, it's a wonderful and much needed reminder.

So if you've made it this far, here's your reward:

lMay today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

That was nice. Thanks, Mom. I didn't forward it to six women, but I didn't make a wish, either. And girls, keep sending the Chick Forward Spam.