7 Reasons We Need to Invent Teleportation IMMEDIATELY

The further in the past my days as a Chicago public transportation rider drift, the happier they seem. The longer I am forced to drive in southern California, the more the CTA exponentially benefits from the Halo Effect. There's an equation here, I'm sure, and graphed out it looks like a rocket to the moon.

California being what it is, though, you'd have to drive to the moon. And in 405 traffic, that'd take forever.

Heaven?

The CTA features crushing commuting crowds, an odiferous reek, a snail-like pace set off by speed-demon conductors, the agony of waiting 10 bone-snapping minutes in subzero temps and 20mph winds at the above-ground Fullerton platform for your 7:30 am morning commute, oh-so-many delays (and delays and delays and this was always my favorite), and even the workaday creepers trying to get off on you thinking you won't notice. (Yes, sir, of course I assume that semi-rhythmic jabbing at my left hip is just the train.)

Delightful. Right?

"So surely," you protest, "the weather must be worth it! It's [single digit temperature] here in [midwestern state/northeastern state/Canada/other geographically-challenged location] and gosh darn, I sure would like me some palm trees and sunshine!" First off, my name's Laverne. But sure. Weather's great. That's why so many people fantasize about southern California and why my region, specifically, is featured in so many damn TV shows.

Appealing, right? But you should only move to Laguna Beach if you plan NEVER to leave.

But right now, I commute about 200 miles a week, and technically, I work from home. When I bring this fact into sharp focus, which usually happens while I'm parked on the 405NB at 4:30 pm, all other reasons for living in southern California seem asylum-worthy in comparison. I guess the appeal of teleportation as a quotidian convenience didn't really hit home for me til I moved to a metropolitan area where public transit is a punchline.

That's me in the corner... that's me in the top right, losing my will to live.

"X Reasons" articles and blogs are all the rage, so I'll go along. Without further ado:

SEVEN RANDOM, UNRELATED, NON-SEQUENTIAL, AND POORLY CONSIDERED REASONS OBAMA SHOULD DUMP HALF THE FEDERAL BUDGET INTO R&D FOR TELEPORTATION

1) Assuming teleportation doesn't involve releasing carbon from human bodies (which would be a whole other issue), this would be the most environmentally friendly form of transportation ever. Hooray!

Yeah, I'm seeing red allright.

2) Traffic lights make me homicidal. The red ones in particular. Especially in South County (i.e., "south Orange County"), where they seem to be intentionally synched so that as soon as your light turns green, the next goes red. Then laughs at you and points. When I am Empress of the Universe, this horse puckey will be outlawed and punishable by having me scoop out the offender's eyes with rusty sporks. Until then, I'll have to settle for barely containing my explosive urges to kill innocent bystanders who are hardly culpable for wanting to cross a six-lane 55mph-limit "street" without getting minced by the grille of a Range Rover. It's not their fault. I shouldn't want to strangle them with my bare hands.

Actually.... if I were in jail, at least I wouldn't have to drive...

Or maybe it's just this guy I'd like to flip off.

3) Corollary: Sure would feel good to give Big Oil the finger, wouldn't it?

4) Time for NASA to get with the program. Take your budget and shove it... into teleportation. Every dime. We don't need your silly rockets if we can TELEPORT to Mars or Santa Monica. Or the Horsehead Nebula, or Nairobi. The multiverse is our oyster! All I want is to get to LA in under two hours, is that so much to ask?!?!

5) Sorry, USDOT -- we're done funding your irrelevance. I haughtily dismiss your high-speed-rail -- sooooo 21st century. Don't need your train to nowhere when Scotty can just beam me up. Small plus: the DOT wouldn't have to change their letterhead or stationery ('cause they're now the Dept of Teleportation!)

6) I'm sure the chances of being reconstituted with your feet coming out of your eye sockets and your elbows where your jaw should be are like really, really, really, really, really infinitesimally small. Like, really small. Not even worth worrying about small. Teeny tiny.

7) And last but not least... presumably, this would free up time to do things OTHER than drive. (Technology is totally awesome for saving time -- isn't that what laptops and the internet and cell phones and email have done for us? That's how this works, right?)

At any rate, I do believe I personally would have more time to do things like write this blog. It's not like I've stopped thinking, I just haven't been doing much except driving all over the damn place.

I'd write more about this, but I have to drive home now.