Awesome New Product!!!! Hydration without the Calories!!!!

Awesome New Product!!!! Hydration for your toughest workout -- without the Calories!!!!

I was mapping my run when this little ad caught my eye. Water's still free, kids, at least for now.

four (and a half) acceptable reasons to call me "dear"

must be this old to
acceptably call me "dear"

1) i have reached or exceeded the age of seventy.

2) you have reached or exceeded the age of seventy.

3) you're in a service industry, have a personality, and try to build rapport with your clients. (this is a good thing.)

4) you are using it ironically to subtly hint to me that i've just been acting like a naggy housewife.

okay, but he's freakin
adorable and i love his
 shirt. i'll allow it.

4.5) you are terrible with homophones and are actually calling me a member of the cervidae family. (confusing "dear" and "deer" isn't actually acceptable in my pedantic grammar book and raises more issues than it solves, so this only gets a half point.)

can't part with "dear?" try "darling" as a substitute. bonus points if you say it in an english accent.

i write this because i've noticed a trend among my gentleman friends lately, all within my age range, who like to call me dear.

i use and respond to many monikers both adulatory and opprobrious with my friends (from foxy, babe, and honey to "hey you," bitch, and dumbass), but something about "dear" just strikes me as, i don't know, hilariously antediluvian.

ps - if you like the picture (the shirt, not the dude) -- the organization selling those shirts is actually awesome and you should totally buy one (the shirt, not the dude). but if anyone finds out where i can buy the other thing (the dude, not the shirt), shoot me an email...

karma police, arrest this man

i've always believed that executors of selfish, evil, or otherwise unsavory deeds receive their just comeuppance eventually...

eventually.

i don't know. i haven't tracked these things, but if nothing else, we all end up here:

not that i'd wish the judeo-christian heaven on my worst enemy, because it sounds like a horrifically boring place to spend eternity. but i digress.

when i was younger, i preferred to take a much more active hand in doling out said comeuppance. the temptation to deliver righteous vigilante justice was simply irresistible. it felt right.

i'm older now, but wiser? not so sure.

nevertheless, i sit back and watch.

yoga-flavored buddhism, the only religion i could be said to follow, encourages the path of compassion, loving kindness and forgiveness. true buddhism questions the very reality of the emotions that would make forgiveness necessary.

and that's all well and good when you don't have a trigger finger impulse, itchy for payback. i admire the hell out of the people to whom revenge doesn't even occur.

but of course, it's never worth it. the high road of compassion may feel bereft of oxygen, but it's better for your fitness in the long run.

make your peace and move on.

Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. -Alexa Young

appearance vs reality

"you scare the hell out of me. i mean, shit, you own a longbow. and i've seen how you fire a gun."

this is from a conversation with an old friend of mine: a former u.s. marine who grew up in the barrio. apparently, he finds me scary.

while, no, he doesn't really find me scary (and could break me in two if he wanted with some crazy marine jujitsu), i wondered. being a crack shot with a couple of weapons doesn't mean i'm not all flowers and butterflies on the inside.

so let's be clear.

outside:

inside:

is it so difficult?

3 sets of things i can never keep straight

tobey maguire and topher grace

i last made this mistake at a "take me home tonight" trailer.

me: "that's kind of an odd choice for tobey maguire"

i was immediately beaten into accuracy submission by my moviegoing companions, who apparently have a superhuman ability to detect topher grace's pheromones through the silver screen, because how the eff else can you tell?:

THIS IS ALL THE SAME DUDE TO ME.

drive angry, angry birds, and driving miss daisy:
this is not a movie. but it should be. tagline: "Morgan Freeman is one mad chauffeur, and he'll blow up anything to get those pigs."

I can't wait to buy tickets for this. When does it come out?

christine o'donnell and bigfoot:
both mythical beasts that cause a great deal of consternation when sighted, but are generally better off sunk into obscurity.

post about other things i can't keep straight (like my darling ex-boyfriend): coming soon?

3 (or is it 6?) Reasons Valentine's Day Makes Me Schizophrenic

Kittens and hearts!

The lover looks like this.
And the cynic looks like this.

K, this is giving me a sad.

Reasons 1 and 2:

I refuse to give my hard-earned money away to buy useless junk for a Hallmark holiday. Oh, come on... the economy needs to be stimulated! Yeah, there are Chinese children whose fingers aren't bleeding yet from sewing V-Day doilies! Whatever -- go buy stuff! GO GO GO!

Reasons 3 and 4:

I want to get Boyfriend something to make him happy! I like giving presents! Why is Boyfriend's happiness dependent on receiving material gifts? The greedy bastard!**

Reasons 5 and 6:

Everyone else is celebrating Valentine's Day, so I might as well! So if marketers had everyone else base-jumping naked off an Arctic ice shelf, you'd do it too? Um, maybe. Why do you ask?


Happy Valentine's Day, god damn it!





And you single kids out there, relish it, because this could be your alternative:







** really, Boyfriend is not like that at ALL; so please, no angry letters.

It's true.

I get emails from "Not Who You Thought"on a near-hourly basis.